Learning to Love

Bapa,

   I did start out on this journey of summer project saying, "Whatever You want, wherever You want me to be, I'll go." I put You as my leader and guide and I stepped back from driving the car of my life. But, soon after starting project, I took back the driver's seat and things started falling apart emotionally. I was trying to make the environment of 20 G into what I was used to instead of adapting to the changes. I became so focused on myself and so stubborn. I had let go of my position as royalty and instead worked as a miscreant of darkness, weak and unable to free myself. But then I spent time with You again, time devoted to praying for friends and family...time devoted to anyone but myself. And you honored that. You spoke to me that day on the road to get the bike rims. 2 hours of solid alone time with You. And You said to me, "Love is patient," and "I am love." You showed me how patient You were being with me and it opened my heart back up and made me awe-struck and kneeling before You throne with praise and thanksgiving on my lips. You patiently awaited for me to accept once again my crown and throne as a princess of Your kingdom. I once again claimed my position of royalty along with all of the responsibilities and blessings that go with it. You brought me back to You by Your love and patience.
   I was then able to start the lesson of loving people. It started with one person, it started with Dustin. He was persistent and constant in interacting with me. When we would run and bike together he would just talk the whole time. I got to know him through that and felt safe telling him about Crystal. The letter and texts I got from her were hard because of all the medical health news that always seemed to be bad. I shared some of that with Dustin for a couple reasons.
   1) To break the thoughts he had of me. He thought I was super introverted and just never talked. And I didn't mind adding to that image if it kept people away, but it didn't keep him away.
   2) As a way to pay him back for the kindness and persistence he showed me during the weeks before. (For being open.)
   3) To get his advice because he seemed honest and solid.
   4) His texts were serious and heart-felt.

   Getting to know him, I started to care about him. The struggles he was going through, his life back home, what would make him happy. You taught me to love him. You blessed me with him by putting him in my life and You gave me (through seeing who he was on the inside) a heart for him that just wanted the best. The outstanding part about it? He wanted to reciprocate that to me, and he did...time and time again.
   You then opened up my heart to the 16 other women that made up HBSP 2013. You told me, "Be vulnerable. Be willing to let them help you." So I followed the step that You told me to take next. You told me to tell them about the beginning stage of depression that I was in. So I opened up to them and they came around me in prayer. They took turns checking up on me and inviting me to do things. And You worked through that! I may not have felt loved right away, but I felt cared for.
   You told me to hope. You told me I was a gem among simple stones and I shared that with Dustin. We became brother and sister. I did my best to encourage him and challenge him. I sent him verses via text and told him what I saw in him. Then the bronchitis set in. He was afraid for me and he took on the responsibility of being the brother that I needed. He took me to the clinic, he cared for me, checked up on me, loved me. You allowed him to prove himself trustworthy and firm, gentle and loving. It became a forced rest for me though and I didn't know what to do. That's about the time Alex and I started talking. She told me about a big struggle in her life. You gave me someone to focus on besides myself, someone to love. We battled the lie together that she had been told for most of her life and You slowly taught her to seek You daily about this issue. You also allowed me the privilege of comforting Adrianna by sharing with her Your words from Psalm 139. You helped me to start loving on people. You gave me the desire to be part of that community and taught me to love each person as an individual.
   I started finding joy in being around these 27 other people who loved You. I even jumped off of a bridge with 4 of them!  :)  I put my testimony online and You called me "cherished" "desirable" and "amazing." I started having even more of a heart for the people in my life who don't know You. It wasn't just the people in my house anymore who I was learning to love, it was the people who You love that I was learning to love. You told me You were proud of me and You called me Your "rosebud" and "precious flower." I guess it just took a while for me to bloom.   :)