All of the dog-sitting, all of this hopping around and switching houses. I've started to wonder if You're doing this for my benefit. As an introvert I love my space and I love having a quiet place to think and pray and just be me. In an odd way, all of the dog-sitting has allowed me to do that. Even now I sit at someone else's house for the next two weeks watching over their dog and I have freedom of movement. It's not my house, true, but that too is one of the beauties of this. You know me, I love changing up my routines. I get too bored when it's just the same thing over and over again. So, a different house this week, a different dog, a different location, furniture, cooking accessories, chores to do...yeah, I like this a lot. :)
I've often wondered (and often asked You) "why?" Why have You allowed me to do this for the last few years? Why do people want me, of all people, to watch their dogs? Why do they keep asking me back to do it again? Why have you given me this much jumping around in my life? But now I think I'm beginning to see at least a small sliver of it. You've allowed me to do this for me. And in a huge sense, it's for You as well. The quiet that I can have in these time of house-sitting (and freedom of movement and schedule) allows me to give back to You what I sometimes struggle with otherwise.
Bapa, I love being my own person around You and I love that You have given me these types of opportunities over the years to have such beautiful one-on-one time with You in new places. For what it's worth, I also want to thank You for always returning me home. Whether it's only a few days at someone else's place or a few weeks, the stay there is refreshing, but I always love returning home too! Because You gave me a home. You gave me a place here on Earth to always go back to.
You've given me so much. I've often said that I want to travel before I settle down. In a way, I have been. While other people are going to different countries (which has never really appealed to me that much) I have gone to different edges of my own land. From Calumet, to Dollar Bay, to Hancock, to Lake Annie. You've brought me many places and You've given me the space that I'm so desperate for as an introvert. Thank You so much!
So, "why dog-sitting?" You've been doing it for my benefit without me even realizing just how much I've needed it. The people may need me to watch their animals, but being around their animals is a great healing for me and a love that I can never forget. Thank you for all of this time.
Yours,
Alexandra
Monday, April 14, 2014
Monday, August 12, 2013
02/08/2013
Bapa,
I'm seeing how real it is in this time of dryness that the "honeymoon" is over. Back at the beginning of fall when I first completely surrendered to You it was a time of completely being caught up in You. And shortly after that, two months later, was the beginning of this transition to actually live with You. I'm not upset. I admit that there are times I've wished for the honeymoon back, but You give me glimpses of an eternal love, a love I don't yet know but realize that it will be better still than the love of the honeymoon.
Should this period of dryness never end I will continue to love You. I will continue to be content where You have me knowing that where You place me pleases You. I will never stop yearning for the sweet return of Your presence, but my commitment of love is given to You regardless of it I feel You around or not.
I will continue to live this life for You instead of being stagnant. I will continue to love You instead of giving up. I will continue to proclaim to worship You instead of resent You. I will continue to yearn for You instead of slipping away.
Bapa, if this season is a test, then (even though I stumble) may I be found worthy at the end.
~Alexandra
I'm seeing how real it is in this time of dryness that the "honeymoon" is over. Back at the beginning of fall when I first completely surrendered to You it was a time of completely being caught up in You. And shortly after that, two months later, was the beginning of this transition to actually live with You. I'm not upset. I admit that there are times I've wished for the honeymoon back, but You give me glimpses of an eternal love, a love I don't yet know but realize that it will be better still than the love of the honeymoon.
Should this period of dryness never end I will continue to love You. I will continue to be content where You have me knowing that where You place me pleases You. I will never stop yearning for the sweet return of Your presence, but my commitment of love is given to You regardless of it I feel You around or not.
I will continue to live this life for You instead of being stagnant. I will continue to love You instead of giving up. I will continue to proclaim to worship You instead of resent You. I will continue to yearn for You instead of slipping away.
Bapa, if this season is a test, then (even though I stumble) may I be found worthy at the end.
~Alexandra
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Learning to Love
Bapa,
I did start out on this journey of summer project saying, "Whatever You want, wherever You want me to be, I'll go." I put You as my leader and guide and I stepped back from driving the car of my life. But, soon after starting project, I took back the driver's seat and things started falling apart emotionally. I was trying to make the environment of 20 G into what I was used to instead of adapting to the changes. I became so focused on myself and so stubborn. I had let go of my position as royalty and instead worked as a miscreant of darkness, weak and unable to free myself. But then I spent time with You again, time devoted to praying for friends and family...time devoted to anyone but myself. And you honored that. You spoke to me that day on the road to get the bike rims. 2 hours of solid alone time with You. And You said to me, "Love is patient," and "I am love." You showed me how patient You were being with me and it opened my heart back up and made me awe-struck and kneeling before You throne with praise and thanksgiving on my lips. You patiently awaited for me to accept once again my crown and throne as a princess of Your kingdom. I once again claimed my position of royalty along with all of the responsibilities and blessings that go with it. You brought me back to You by Your love and patience.
I was then able to start the lesson of loving people. It started with one person, it started with Dustin. He was persistent and constant in interacting with me. When we would run and bike together he would just talk the whole time. I got to know him through that and felt safe telling him about Crystal. The letter and texts I got from her were hard because of all the medical health news that always seemed to be bad. I shared some of that with Dustin for a couple reasons.
1) To break the thoughts he had of me. He thought I was super introverted and just never talked. And I didn't mind adding to that image if it kept people away, but it didn't keep him away.
2) As a way to pay him back for the kindness and persistence he showed me during the weeks before. (For being open.)
3) To get his advice because he seemed honest and solid.
4) His texts were serious and heart-felt.
Getting to know him, I started to care about him. The struggles he was going through, his life back home, what would make him happy. You taught me to love him. You blessed me with him by putting him in my life and You gave me (through seeing who he was on the inside) a heart for him that just wanted the best. The outstanding part about it? He wanted to reciprocate that to me, and he did...time and time again.
You then opened up my heart to the 16 other women that made up HBSP 2013. You told me, "Be vulnerable. Be willing to let them help you." So I followed the step that You told me to take next. You told me to tell them about the beginning stage of depression that I was in. So I opened up to them and they came around me in prayer. They took turns checking up on me and inviting me to do things. And You worked through that! I may not have felt loved right away, but I felt cared for.
You told me to hope. You told me I was a gem among simple stones and I shared that with Dustin. We became brother and sister. I did my best to encourage him and challenge him. I sent him verses via text and told him what I saw in him. Then the bronchitis set in. He was afraid for me and he took on the responsibility of being the brother that I needed. He took me to the clinic, he cared for me, checked up on me, loved me. You allowed him to prove himself trustworthy and firm, gentle and loving. It became a forced rest for me though and I didn't know what to do. That's about the time Alex and I started talking. She told me about a big struggle in her life. You gave me someone to focus on besides myself, someone to love. We battled the lie together that she had been told for most of her life and You slowly taught her to seek You daily about this issue. You also allowed me the privilege of comforting Adrianna by sharing with her Your words from Psalm 139. You helped me to start loving on people. You gave me the desire to be part of that community and taught me to love each person as an individual.
I started finding joy in being around these 27 other people who loved You. I even jumped off of a bridge with 4 of them! :) I put my testimony online and You called me "cherished" "desirable" and "amazing." I started having even more of a heart for the people in my life who don't know You. It wasn't just the people in my house anymore who I was learning to love, it was the people who You love that I was learning to love. You told me You were proud of me and You called me Your "rosebud" and "precious flower." I guess it just took a while for me to bloom. :)
I did start out on this journey of summer project saying, "Whatever You want, wherever You want me to be, I'll go." I put You as my leader and guide and I stepped back from driving the car of my life. But, soon after starting project, I took back the driver's seat and things started falling apart emotionally. I was trying to make the environment of 20 G into what I was used to instead of adapting to the changes. I became so focused on myself and so stubborn. I had let go of my position as royalty and instead worked as a miscreant of darkness, weak and unable to free myself. But then I spent time with You again, time devoted to praying for friends and family...time devoted to anyone but myself. And you honored that. You spoke to me that day on the road to get the bike rims. 2 hours of solid alone time with You. And You said to me, "Love is patient," and "I am love." You showed me how patient You were being with me and it opened my heart back up and made me awe-struck and kneeling before You throne with praise and thanksgiving on my lips. You patiently awaited for me to accept once again my crown and throne as a princess of Your kingdom. I once again claimed my position of royalty along with all of the responsibilities and blessings that go with it. You brought me back to You by Your love and patience.
I was then able to start the lesson of loving people. It started with one person, it started with Dustin. He was persistent and constant in interacting with me. When we would run and bike together he would just talk the whole time. I got to know him through that and felt safe telling him about Crystal. The letter and texts I got from her were hard because of all the medical health news that always seemed to be bad. I shared some of that with Dustin for a couple reasons.
1) To break the thoughts he had of me. He thought I was super introverted and just never talked. And I didn't mind adding to that image if it kept people away, but it didn't keep him away.
2) As a way to pay him back for the kindness and persistence he showed me during the weeks before. (For being open.)
3) To get his advice because he seemed honest and solid.
4) His texts were serious and heart-felt.
Getting to know him, I started to care about him. The struggles he was going through, his life back home, what would make him happy. You taught me to love him. You blessed me with him by putting him in my life and You gave me (through seeing who he was on the inside) a heart for him that just wanted the best. The outstanding part about it? He wanted to reciprocate that to me, and he did...time and time again.
You then opened up my heart to the 16 other women that made up HBSP 2013. You told me, "Be vulnerable. Be willing to let them help you." So I followed the step that You told me to take next. You told me to tell them about the beginning stage of depression that I was in. So I opened up to them and they came around me in prayer. They took turns checking up on me and inviting me to do things. And You worked through that! I may not have felt loved right away, but I felt cared for.
You told me to hope. You told me I was a gem among simple stones and I shared that with Dustin. We became brother and sister. I did my best to encourage him and challenge him. I sent him verses via text and told him what I saw in him. Then the bronchitis set in. He was afraid for me and he took on the responsibility of being the brother that I needed. He took me to the clinic, he cared for me, checked up on me, loved me. You allowed him to prove himself trustworthy and firm, gentle and loving. It became a forced rest for me though and I didn't know what to do. That's about the time Alex and I started talking. She told me about a big struggle in her life. You gave me someone to focus on besides myself, someone to love. We battled the lie together that she had been told for most of her life and You slowly taught her to seek You daily about this issue. You also allowed me the privilege of comforting Adrianna by sharing with her Your words from Psalm 139. You helped me to start loving on people. You gave me the desire to be part of that community and taught me to love each person as an individual.
I started finding joy in being around these 27 other people who loved You. I even jumped off of a bridge with 4 of them! :) I put my testimony online and You called me "cherished" "desirable" and "amazing." I started having even more of a heart for the people in my life who don't know You. It wasn't just the people in my house anymore who I was learning to love, it was the people who You love that I was learning to love. You told me You were proud of me and You called me Your "rosebud" and "precious flower." I guess it just took a while for me to bloom. :)
Monday, July 22, 2013
Friendships
Bapa,
I've made it so easy to push guys into the "friendship" category. I fear that sometimes I give You no room to work in my heart because my heart has been filled up with my own notions of how things should go. I feel that I'm trying to write my own earthly love story instead of letting You write it for me. It's so much easier for me to say, "Let's be brother and sister," instead of seeing the man for who he is in You. Please, You know my heart and You know very well how much You have blessed me. You have given me some amazing brothers in You! They are full of conviction and responsibility and humility. They are seeking You with their whole heart and I love You for providing them in my life! What a Father You are! You have protected and blessed me beyond reason or comprehension. But what of this issue on my heart? I know full well that part of me pushes them into this category simply because I don't trust people and I'm scared. These brothers of mine are the young men that I trust. They have proven themselves and it hasn't been me asking them to, it's just been in their character and actions. Fear has pushed me to do much. My hope rests in You though. Show me how to react to young men. Show me how to not push them away. Show me how to embrace a relationship. Please do it quickly. That's what's on my heart right now. I'm asking for a specific and I know You love hearing the specifics. Show me how to embrace a relationship and do it quickly.
Love, Alexandra
I've made it so easy to push guys into the "friendship" category. I fear that sometimes I give You no room to work in my heart because my heart has been filled up with my own notions of how things should go. I feel that I'm trying to write my own earthly love story instead of letting You write it for me. It's so much easier for me to say, "Let's be brother and sister," instead of seeing the man for who he is in You. Please, You know my heart and You know very well how much You have blessed me. You have given me some amazing brothers in You! They are full of conviction and responsibility and humility. They are seeking You with their whole heart and I love You for providing them in my life! What a Father You are! You have protected and blessed me beyond reason or comprehension. But what of this issue on my heart? I know full well that part of me pushes them into this category simply because I don't trust people and I'm scared. These brothers of mine are the young men that I trust. They have proven themselves and it hasn't been me asking them to, it's just been in their character and actions. Fear has pushed me to do much. My hope rests in You though. Show me how to react to young men. Show me how to not push them away. Show me how to embrace a relationship. Please do it quickly. That's what's on my heart right now. I'm asking for a specific and I know You love hearing the specifics. Show me how to embrace a relationship and do it quickly.
Love, Alexandra
Sunday, May 26, 2013
5/26/13
Bapa,
There is nothing I can do. I know that. My hope lies in knowing that you can.
How much You hurt, Bapa. How hard it is for You to see one of Your children walking without You, walking away from You, ignoring You. A broken heart is putting it mildly. How do You handle the pain that we as sinners cause You? My mind cannot wrap around the fact that You are not like us. You hurt more deeply than we will ever know. You love more fully than we ever can.
I hurt for him. Practical, he's too practical. No, perhaps not. You wired his mind to work the way it does. You knew exactly what You were doing. You know what makes him tick because You formed him. You know how best to love him because You know his heart. Please bring someone into his life that he connects with, but let it be someone that knows You intimately. Give him over to falling madly in love with someone who shines for You brightly. Let his heart see her and know. And prepare her heart to stand fast in You. Please, please Bapa. I can't take seeing him like this. I can't take knowing what his attitude is towards church and You. This burden is real. I ask for strength to be constant in my affections towards this young man. I ask for the burden to run deeper as long as You are at my side. I ask that You would imprint him on my heart for the purpose of consistently coming to You on his behalf.
I know You haven't forgotten about him. You love him too much for that. Bring him back to You.
~Alexandra
There is nothing I can do. I know that. My hope lies in knowing that you can.
How much You hurt, Bapa. How hard it is for You to see one of Your children walking without You, walking away from You, ignoring You. A broken heart is putting it mildly. How do You handle the pain that we as sinners cause You? My mind cannot wrap around the fact that You are not like us. You hurt more deeply than we will ever know. You love more fully than we ever can.
I hurt for him. Practical, he's too practical. No, perhaps not. You wired his mind to work the way it does. You knew exactly what You were doing. You know what makes him tick because You formed him. You know how best to love him because You know his heart. Please bring someone into his life that he connects with, but let it be someone that knows You intimately. Give him over to falling madly in love with someone who shines for You brightly. Let his heart see her and know. And prepare her heart to stand fast in You. Please, please Bapa. I can't take seeing him like this. I can't take knowing what his attitude is towards church and You. This burden is real. I ask for strength to be constant in my affections towards this young man. I ask for the burden to run deeper as long as You are at my side. I ask that You would imprint him on my heart for the purpose of consistently coming to You on his behalf.
I know You haven't forgotten about him. You love him too much for that. Bring him back to You.
~Alexandra
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Weaknesses
People have told me that they want to be more like me. Others have said that they feel they will never measure up to me on a spiritual level. I'm here to tell you some of the weakness in me that people either don't know about or choose to overlook.
1) I have trust issues.
There are very few people in my life who I trust where they're at spiritually. The people I do trust are the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy even if they didn't realize that's what they were doing. This lack of trust comes mostly from my past. When I was a child my mother would often say that we were going to go to the park, or "Today we'll clean the house," very rarely did anything that she said ever actually happen. Through this I have learned to be wary about what people say. The Lord can overcome this wariness though! A dear friend told me recently to look at what is genuine about a person and not to focus on the negatives.
2) I have a pride issue.
This is something that I have only recently been given notice of through the Lord's blessing. I reject the help of people who both have the means to help and are willing to. This comes also from my past. My father is a very independent individual and not one to ask for help from others. Even to accept help from another person is seen as lowering himself, sometimes to the point of disgrace. I've grown up with being told that you don't get into debt and you don't ask for help, you need to make your own way in the world and be able to support yourself and your loved ones. The Lord is the One who has shown me this ever-present pride and the One who can overthrow it. To Him be the glory and may my pride be thrown into the pit.
3) I don't have compassion to meet people where they're at mentally, spiritually, and emotionally in certain areas of life.
This comes out most in areas of guy/girl relationships. I get highly annoyed by the subject being brought up a lot because I often see it come out in light of personal desire instead of God-given desire. This is something that the Lord continues to work with me on overcoming. Through His compassion (and not my own) I will one day be able to meet people where they're at (especially in regards to their faith) and offer compassion and Biblical advice through His Spirit. (Philippians 3:7-11)
2 Corinthians11:30 "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."
To GOD be the glory! For if you see these issues being weeded out in my life in the future, then He is the one who is doing the weeding.
1) I have trust issues.
There are very few people in my life who I trust where they're at spiritually. The people I do trust are the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy even if they didn't realize that's what they were doing. This lack of trust comes mostly from my past. When I was a child my mother would often say that we were going to go to the park, or "Today we'll clean the house," very rarely did anything that she said ever actually happen. Through this I have learned to be wary about what people say. The Lord can overcome this wariness though! A dear friend told me recently to look at what is genuine about a person and not to focus on the negatives.
2) I have a pride issue.
This is something that I have only recently been given notice of through the Lord's blessing. I reject the help of people who both have the means to help and are willing to. This comes also from my past. My father is a very independent individual and not one to ask for help from others. Even to accept help from another person is seen as lowering himself, sometimes to the point of disgrace. I've grown up with being told that you don't get into debt and you don't ask for help, you need to make your own way in the world and be able to support yourself and your loved ones. The Lord is the One who has shown me this ever-present pride and the One who can overthrow it. To Him be the glory and may my pride be thrown into the pit.
3) I don't have compassion to meet people where they're at mentally, spiritually, and emotionally in certain areas of life.
This comes out most in areas of guy/girl relationships. I get highly annoyed by the subject being brought up a lot because I often see it come out in light of personal desire instead of God-given desire. This is something that the Lord continues to work with me on overcoming. Through His compassion (and not my own) I will one day be able to meet people where they're at (especially in regards to their faith) and offer compassion and Biblical advice through His Spirit. (Philippians 3:7-11)
2 Corinthians11:30 "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."
To GOD be the glory! For if you see these issues being weeded out in my life in the future, then He is the one who is doing the weeding.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
A Mind Fixed on Jesus
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8
There is much that has stuck out to me recently regarding this chapter, for the Lord is good!
1) Our minds should be fixed on Jesus.
2) It is God and Him alone that embodies all these qualities listed.
3) When we are truly seeking His will, He is the one to bring peace.
Jesus is our cornerstone. Ephesians 2:19b-20 says, "[you are] members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone." It also says in 1 Corinthians 3:11, "For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ." It goes on to say in this same chapter, "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?" Because He is our everything, this is where our minds and hearts need to be!!! We are His temple and where does the temple lay?... on the cornerstone. Can I make this any more plain?
The things that are listed above, these qualities, these traits, these attributes...the one who embodies ALL of these is God. If these are the things that we should be thinking on, then it makes sense that He is who we should be thinking about. Please remember, we can never exhaust Him because our minds can never completely wrap around who He is.
One thing to leave you with. We are human, we will fail, we will still sin. However, God is bigger than all our sin. 1 John 4:4 "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." It is when we are devoted to Him, seeking Him, surrendering ourselves over to Him that He brings peace. A peace that truly surpasses understanding! He has done this recently for me in my life. I do keep sinning against Him, but He loves it when I come back to Him and keep pushing through the darkness to find Him. "Abba, Father, Bapa...please help me."
There is much that has stuck out to me recently regarding this chapter, for the Lord is good!
1) Our minds should be fixed on Jesus.
2) It is God and Him alone that embodies all these qualities listed.
3) When we are truly seeking His will, He is the one to bring peace.
Jesus is our cornerstone. Ephesians 2:19b-20 says, "[you are] members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone." It also says in 1 Corinthians 3:11, "For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ." It goes on to say in this same chapter, "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?" Because He is our everything, this is where our minds and hearts need to be!!! We are His temple and where does the temple lay?... on the cornerstone. Can I make this any more plain?
The things that are listed above, these qualities, these traits, these attributes...the one who embodies ALL of these is God. If these are the things that we should be thinking on, then it makes sense that He is who we should be thinking about. Please remember, we can never exhaust Him because our minds can never completely wrap around who He is.
One thing to leave you with. We are human, we will fail, we will still sin. However, God is bigger than all our sin. 1 John 4:4 "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." It is when we are devoted to Him, seeking Him, surrendering ourselves over to Him that He brings peace. A peace that truly surpasses understanding! He has done this recently for me in my life. I do keep sinning against Him, but He loves it when I come back to Him and keep pushing through the darkness to find Him. "Abba, Father, Bapa...please help me."
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